I’ve taken enough classes on sexual health that it is engrained to always answer my kids’ questions honestly and never push them away. We use the real words for body parts so they aren’t stigmatized. When they’ve asked questions like “mom, how do you keep from getting pregnant?” I answer in a way they can understand that is developmentally appropriate (while hiding my inner anxiety).
We want them to know they can trust our answers and that they should never feel bad or awkward about asking us questions. We want them to come to us with life’s tough and awkward topics, not their friends on the bus with a smartphone or the internet.
So what does this have to do with Santa?
It was one of those normal days where I’m driving the minivan and my two kids rapid-fire questions at me. They range from “where does God live and why can’t I see Him” to how did Elsa get powers? And why won’t you buy me a flying car?
Their imagination is vivid and the magic in movies is hard to separate from real life.
So, back to the minivan. My four-year-old son asks “Mom, is God real?”
“Yes, God is real.”
“Well, is Santa real?” he asks.
Oh Crap, (I say to myself). I’m glad my kids only see the back of my head while in the van and not my contorted face.
I couldn’t, in the same sentence, say God was real and so was Santa.
I asked, “Do you really want to know?”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because some kids want to believe in Santa and that is ok.”
Being all Eve-like, he said, “Yes, I want to know.”
I said, “Santa isn’t real, but he is based on Saint Nicholas who is real. Saint Nicholas gave presents to children secretly and he was very kind, so it’s based on a true story of a good person doing good things. But, you CAN’T talk to your friends about Santa not being real because a lot of them want to believe and so do their parents.”
Fast forward to kindergarten.
My son was on a playdate and I got a text from my friend saying, “Hey you might want to talk to your son, he just told my son that Santa wasn’t real.”
Oh, crap again. FRIENDSHIPS ARE ON THE LINE!
Back in the van on the way home from this playdate I inquire, “Hey buddy, did you tell your friend that Santa wasn’t real?”
“Yep.”
“Well, we need to be careful about talking about Santa. Some kids want to believe and their parents want them to believe.”
“Why?”
“Just for fun… they like the thought of Santa and its fun for kids to believe in the story and get all excited.”
I just wanted to say: “So, if someone asks you about Santa JUST LIE! Lie! Like all the adults do!”
Instead, I said, “If someone asks you, just say ‘I don’t know’ or ‘maybe’. Or, if you want to pretend you believe in Santa, just for fun, that’s ok too. Or just avoid all Santa conversation, don’t bring it up.”
I mean, I’m teaching the art of white lies right here! But what can be done? I don’t want him to think that God is the same as Santa and one day God is fake too. I also don’t want him running around bashing family Christmas fun.
He asks, “Can I believe in Santa too?”
“Sure, you can believe in Santa. I can show you a few movies that will make you believe.”
He is quiet for a few minutes, then yells accusingly, “Mom! I can’t go back! Why did you tell me Santa wasn’t real?”
“Because you were asking me deep questions about God and Santa all in the same conversation and I didn’t want you to be confused and think God wasn’t real later.”
“Oh.” He says.
I mean, he ate that apple. Choices buddy.
I was genuinely curious and asked, “So, do you wish I had told you Santa was real and lied about it?”
“Yeah.”
Well, there you have it. Kids want lies in exchange for Christmas magic.
I cross-examined my seven-year-old daughter with whom I had a very similar conversation when she was four. She asked enough deep questions that I felt it was right to tell her the truth too.
She said, “Yeah, I wish you told me Santa was real. Well… actually, maybe not. Because it’s kind of creepy, ya know, a strange man coming into your house in the middle of the night? And also, all the Santa’s we see around Christmas time look different, so, that doesn’t make sense. So, I guess, yeah, I want to know the truth.”
My husband says we should tell our kids the truth about Santa so we can have a fire in our fireplace on Christmas Eve.
As a mom, all the tasks necessary to make the season magical for everyone else makes me want to punch Christmas in the face, just a little bit. So, to do all that work of procuring presents and wrapping them, and then giving the credit to Santa… I’m no St. Nick!
So, what do you think?
Were you disappointed in adults when you discovered the truth about Santa? But, were the warm fuzzies worth it?
Share your thoughts in the comments below, and have a Merry Christmas- however you celebrate!
Great post Renae. I laughed out loud when your son told you he wished you had lied!
We have left mystery around the question – leaving it in our kids courts to do the research and try to figure out what they think… (not like research online, but intellectual research I guess you could say). But if pressed, I would always error on truth, whether thats about the penis and vagina, or santa and chimneys… I hope my kids can always know they can come to me with any questions… cause there are going to be a lot more of them, and much much harder! 🙂
Haha! So glad you liked it. That seems like a good middle ground! And likely what I would have done if they hadn’t pressed. Thanks for sharing!
we’ve had a similar discussion! Adeline was confused why we celebrate Christmas and why there’s Santas all over everywhere. She asked why we can’t see Jesus but we can see Santa, so we told her the truth. She’s only 3 and we’ve never really done Santa in the first place, mostly because we never want her to feel like we are hiding anything from her or lying to her in any way. We want her to always come to us, to always know we tell her the truth, especially about her adoption, and that we aren’t hiding anything from her. Love this post! You’re doing an amazing job parenting your sweet kids, Renee!
Glad we are not alone! Thanks for the kind comments and I can say fully that you are doing an amazing job parenting as well ❤️.
I was about 10 when I finally asked if Santa was real. I suspected earlier, of course, but I didn’t want to hear the answer. And even at 10, I was a little sad to hear those words.
Now, with my own kids, I just never, ever told them. When they asked, I said “I believe in Santa, what do you think?” And then I listened.
When my oldest was about 10, she told my mother-in-law, “I don’t believe in Santa anymore, but don’t tell mom, because I think she still does”.
Yep, he’s real! 🙂
That is hilarious! I love this story 🙂
Wait a minute…. There IS NO SANTA? Who eats the cookies and drinks the milk? Next you will tell me there is no Easter bunny. What else have I not been told? My life will never be the same! I am going to see Star Wars. I know Luke Skywalker is the real thing!
😆😂😅Well, I heard none of the reindeer let Rudolf play in any reindeer games. And I’m pretty sure Tim Allen is the real Santa🎅.