The following post was written in collaboration with my sister- an experienced registered nurse, and currently a stay-at-home mom of four. Two are teenagers and in public school, while the younger two are homeschooled. I mean, anyone with four kids gets superhero status in my mind.
She asks: “Are your children more irrational or irritated? Are you experiencing some of these feelings as well?
Did you know your feelings about change of any kind needs to go through the grief cycle?”
Good or bad, you lose something during change. This loss needs to be recognized in order to be managed in a healthy way.
This week, all of us need to grieve multiple losses. Recognizing this is essential in our compassion for our children, spouse, and ourselves. It’s hard to hold it together while processing what’s happening while our jobs as parents don’t stop.
The grief cycle was designed by Ronnie Janoff-Bulman. The stages include—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And rather than these happening in a set order, they often happen like roller-coasters and can go back and forth between stages. We all are entitled to our own schedule in how we process change and loss.
Explaining to our children the reason why we want to argue, cry, yell, pick on each other could be rooted in the fact that we are all grieving while trying to deal with anxiety and fear. On day four of mandated homeschooling, we have more toilet paper than we do patience and focus.
The first step in helping ourselves is identifying the underlying reasons. If you can name it, you can tame it.
Talking about what is going through our hearts and minds and being ready to listen through the tears can help in the process. Check out the feelings wheel and point to all those you identify with and why.
Change takes time to process- so be kind to yourself. Jumping into homeschooling and having an unexpected responsibility for your child’s learning can be overwhelming. Many parents are figuring how to work from home at the same time and may feel job instability. Are you using the minivan office yet?
It can help to list what we have lost and also counting our blessings.
No matter the child or adults age we are all experiencing this on some level.
For younger children, just start with one thing on each side of the list, and do it together. Have your child/adult say one thing you are sad about, and one thing you feel is positive.
Nourish your body by doing some kind of exercise/ movement. Exercise is a natural (and free) antidepressant. Playing tag with the kids, having a dance party or doing a workout video will all boost your mood. Some of our favorites for kids on YouTube are GoNoodle and Mo Jones and for adults Yoga with Adrienne.
Connecting via voice is perhaps, the next best thing to human touch. A baby can recognize its mother’s voice while in the womb. There are countless stories of preemie infants struggling to live and showed comfort from the voice of a loved one who spoke to them while in utero. Nourish your social soul by connecting with someone each day by phone, video chat, or text. And let your kids connect to their classmates and friends as well.
Nourish your mind by finding something you’ve always wanted to learn or grow in. And a little escapism through watching your favorite shows is ok too to get your mind off of anxious thoughts.
Parents/ partners/ spouses, try to see one another emotionally. Make space for one another. For example, my husband just said, “when I’m done with work, I’ll take over with the kids so you can do what you want. You have crazy eyes.” No shame here, I’ll take it! Give each other space to exercise or sit in the minivan blasting music with your favorite beverage.
And if you have the capacity, do something to help people and involve your kids. Helping others is something that lifts our spirits in times like these. Research shows that doing good gives us a boost… it’s called the “helper’s high” and the “warm glow” effect. The regions of our brain associated with pleasure, social connection, and trust are activated. Helping others releases endorphins in the brain- making us happy. We could all use some of that!
Wonderful post with positive ideas and suggestions. The wheel is interesting. I feel like I have been all over this wheel during my life, but I also believe as I mature (euphemism for old age) things become clearer and crisis management withers away.
Doc
You certainly have had more experience than most with both adventures in life and uncertainty. I admire how you handle it each step of the way!