It’s tempting to cave to conformity when your child tells you, “Everyone else has a phone!”

According to a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2020, 78% of parents do not think it is ok for a child under the age of 12 to have a phone. However, 53% of children have their own smartphone by the time they are 11, and 69% by the time they are age 12 (Common Sense Media, 2019). These statistics reveal the parental conundrum. Most parents don’t think it’s appropriate in principle for kids under the age of 12 to have a phone, yet many give their own child one.

Each family situation and child are unique, so there is no one right answer. A 12-year-old in one family may be more ready for a phone than an 18-year-old in another because of their levels of maturity and self-control. And, giving a child a non-smartphone option to only call or text is not comparing apples to apples. There are many good non-smartphone options (although, not as cool) such as a pinwheel, flip phone, go phone, or gizmo watch, but that’s another conversation!

It helps when the community of families and peers surrounding our kids have also decided to wait on phone initiation. But culture is shifting to be more digitally dependent, almost assuming children own smartphones. This isn’t fair when the internet is not made with children in mind, yet it is accessible on a private hand-held device.

But, before lecturing with any list, it’s important to listen to and validate our child’s feelings. It really is hard for them. It’s reasonable for kids to feel left out if digital independence is a new rite of passage.

One tween I spoke with said when her friends have a phone they talk about things she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t get the references. When she asks what they’re talking about, they say, “That’s because you weren’t on the text thread.” She feels left out and like her friends think she is a baby.  

It makes sense that kids would feel left out if their friends and their parents were in another digital world inaccessible to them. Parents are concerned about their own phone use as well. The majority (68%) report that their phone use can get in the way of spending time with their children.

When I talked through this list with tweens, they agreed that it is better to not have a phone for now, but wished that none of their friends did either.

If you are wading through the murky waters of phone ownership for kids, this list can help explain to your child why it may be better to wait.

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