My friend tells a story about a Christmas where she opened all her presents. She got exactly what she wanted but saw her brother’s presents and thought they were better. She told her parents that it wasn’t fair and she should have gotten more. Her dad’s response is perfect.
She was seven years old. Her father calmly told her to pack her presents up. They were going to take them to people who would appreciate them. He wasted no time. They left the same day and she received nothing that year.
Here is what she shared:
“My dad didn’t take me down to the mission to make a point about how good I have it or “teach me a lesson” by showing me the less fortunate. He would never take advantage of other people like that or put them on the spot. We went and volunteered there on a regular basis. He wanted to remind me that life really isn’t fair and if I wouldn’t appreciate what I had, there were others who would. And they did. The toys were incredibly appreciated.
He made a point to me on the way there about joyful giving and made sure I had a good attitude about taking the gifts in. I’m pretty sure he would have killed me if I had been pouty or grouchy when we delivered them. I didn’t tell anyone why I was giving the gifts away. My dad spent a lot of time talking to me about the “fairness” of life and how these children didn’t ‘deserve’ to be homeless or in a difficult situation any more than I ‘deserved’ the nice gifts. I feel strongly about not putting other people’s misfortune in display to teach a lesson to kids or to make ourselves feel more grateful for what we have. We were able to do this because of the ongoing relationship we had with the mission; I had been there many weekends helping.
That day, he wanted me to understand fairness and giving with a loving heart. It worked. It changed my entire perspective on sharing what I have with others and doing it happily.
Strangely, that is one of my favorite Christmases.”
I had just heard this incredible story from my friend. Then I had to confront something similar.
My 6-year-old daughter needed new socks and pants. We got the delivery and she pleaded to open the bags. A few days later I conceded to letting her open them as an early Christmas gift. Thinking it would be no-big deal, I was caught off guard by her announcing to her little brother and dad “I’M OPENING A CHRISTMAS GIFT! COME TO THE TREE, SIT AND WATCH ME!”
So I had to let little brother open a gift too.
He gets a turtle ornament. She gets the plain white socks and plain grey pants.
“I HATE THESE! THIS ISN’T A CHRISTMAS GIFT!” She has a meltdown. “THIS ISN’T FAIR! THIS ISN’T WHAT I WANTED”. The ranting goes on.
Somebody restrain me. I’m about to go Grinch and cancel her Christmas. I think about my friends’ story. I think about how ungrateful she is and how I need to step up as a parent and steam roll a lesson into her.
I contained myself, knowing I may be premature in taking her presents away. I explained how I thought she would like those gifts, how I had spent time searching for the right ones for her, how we spent our money on them.
She yelled that I don’t understand. Lots and lots of crying and screaming follow. I let her calm down.
A few hours later, I brought up the situation. I told her a story.
“Honey, when I was young, my grandma gave me some presents I still remember. Do you know they were?
White plastic hangers.
And a tube of toothpaste.
Do you think that’s what I wanted for Christmas?”
She shakes her head “no”.
I didn’t want those things. Those were practical gifts. My grandma didn’t have much money. But she took time to think about me. Time to wrap them. And at least the toothpaste was new, so she spent her money on it. Even though the gift wasn’t what I expected, I thanked her. It wouldn’t have been right for me to scream and yell at my grandma. And now I get to tell the story about how I learned to be thankful even when I didn’t feel thankful in the moment.”
The conversation annoyed my daughter. She said she would’t yell at her grandma or anyone else but me, because she would be embarrassed. But she started to get it. I also listened to her side. She thought she was going to get an American Girl doll. Failed expectations are hard for all of us.
My friend said her dad talked the issue to death. It seemed appropriate to talk through the receiving of gifts and the meaning of Christmas before doing something more extreme. We talked about it four separate times that day to make sure she understood.
After all, it isn’t until the around the ages of 6 or 7 that children start having enough empathy skills to make it a productive conversation.
Children four and younger are notoriously egocentric. You can talk about how to respond, but they may not understand why for some time.
So we will continue to talk about expectations for receiving gifts and how to think about the giver of the gift over the gift itself. And if, after giving a fair explanation and warning, and they are old enough to “get it”, we will make a donation plan. It might be the best Christmas they’ll ever have.