It’s tempting to cave to conformity when your child tells you, “Everyone else has a phone!”

According to a Pew Research Center survey conducted in 2020, 78% of parents do not think it is ok for a child under the age of 12 to have a phone. However, 53% of children have their own smartphone by the time they are 11, and 69% by the time they are age 12 (Common Sense Media, 2019). These statistics reveal the parental conundrum. Most parents don’t think it’s appropriate in principle for kids under the age of 12 to have a phone, yet many give their own child one.

Each family situation and child are unique, so there is no one right answer. A 12-year-old in one family may be more ready for a phone than an 18-year-old in another because of their levels of maturity and self-control. And, giving a child a non-smartphone option to only call or text is not comparing apples to apples. There are many good non-smartphone options (although, not as cool) such as a pinwheel, flip phone, go phone, or gizmo watch, but that’s another conversation!

It helps when the community of families and peers surrounding our kids have also decided to wait on phone initiation. But culture is shifting to be more digitally dependent, almost assuming children own smartphones. This isn’t fair when the internet is not made with children in mind, yet it is accessible on a private hand-held device.

But, before lecturing with any list, it’s important to listen to and validate our child’s feelings. It really is hard for them. It’s reasonable for kids to feel left out if digital independence is a new rite of passage.

One tween I spoke with said when her friends have a phone they talk about things she doesn’t understand. She doesn’t get the references. When she asks what they’re talking about, they say, “That’s because you weren’t on the text thread.” She feels left out and like her friends think she is a baby.  

It makes sense that kids would feel left out if their friends and their parents were in another digital world inaccessible to them. Parents are concerned about their own phone use as well. The majority (68%) report that their phone use can get in the way of spending time with their children.

When I talked through this list with tweens, they agreed that it is better to not have a phone for now, but wished that none of their friends did either.

If you are wading through the murky waters of phone ownership for kids, this list can help explain to your child why it may be better to wait.

1. It feels like everyone has a phone, but it might be our brains tricking us. For example, imagine we are at the zoo, on a hot day, with lots of other people. We see five different families eating ice cream. Is that going to make you want ice cream even more? (A reasonable human will say yes.) And would it feel like everyone has ice cream? In reality, there are hundreds of people at the zoo. We just focus on those with something we want but don’t have. Try focusing on finding the other kids who do not have phones, there might be more than you think.
   
   
2. Being bored is important. Of course, we don’t like being bored because it’s uncomfortable and hard. But, boredom is the birthplace of creativity! In order to not be bored anymore, we create and imagine. A phone can take away that healthy discomfort. We need to develop those creative thinking skills because those are the same skills that will help solve big problems in the future.
   
   
3. We need time to process what we are feeling and to give ourselves space to think. We need time to look out the window, stare at the ceiling, or go to the bathroom without distraction. People can easily get addicted to their phones and it takes up all the free space in their mind. It happens to adults whose brains are fully developed. So, it’s unfair to think it wouldn’t impact kids.
   
   
4. Many parents who gave their children phones say they wish they hadn’t because they have more arguments over how and when the phone is used. It becomes another screen time battle. I don’t want to have more battles.
   
   
5. When kids have a phone with them all the time, it may be harder to learn important social skills. People often look at their phones when in unfamiliar social situations. This doesn’t allow them to develop spontaneous conversation skills, whether in line at the grocery store, during lunch at school, or at a family gathering with the aunt you haven’t seen in years. Using a phone cuts us off from the opportunity to have a conversation. Some kids are terrified to talk to people because they have avoided it. But, this is a necessary skill for advocating for yourself and having tough conversations throughout your life. Check out MIT professor, Sherry Turkle’s five-minute YouTube video: The need for spontaneous conversation and empathy to learn more.
   
   
6. Some parents have said that after their kids got phones, they tended to lose interest in family games and family time. I don’t want that to happen! They also stopped playing with toys and weren’t interested in going outside. There are a lot of benefits to playing with real things, as well as exploring and playing outside- like gaining balance and strength in your bodies and getting vitamin D from sunshine.
   
   
7. Phones are designed to be addicting to keep your attention. The creators of apps like it when you spend more time on the phone because then they get to show you more ads and make you want to buy more things! Unfortunately, a lot of the messages sent through advertisements are unhealthy, saying you need to look a certain way or have cool things to be liked and happy. Let’s start looking for ads around us so we can identify them together. They are sneaky!
   
   
8. Even when people do have a phone, they may not have service, it may be out of battery, or it may be lost. Being able to navigate situations without a device is good training. Not having the option of a phone for these formative years teaches kids what we should do in an emergency. What neighbor’s house can you go to for help? What could you do if you’re lost and need to get directions? These are survival skills in learning how to ask for help when we need it and recognizing that those around us are resources.
   
   
9. Like a retainer you might accidentally throw away at lunch, you have to keep track of a phone, be careful with it, and think about the cost of replacing it. That can be a lot to remember. And if we know we are the kind of person that forgets things easily, it may be nice to not have to deal with it.
   
   
10. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust the people who designed the phone, apps, or websites. Most of them are made by adults and they don’t have kids in mind. It’s not fair to kids to have to navigate that or see something that’s harmful.

Hopefully, this list is helpful as you navigate formative conversations in your family. It takes intentionality to use our time well. Many of these points can be a building block of understanding so that when/ if your child does have a phone, they are more prepared to avoid common problems and use it to their benefit for a lifetime!

If you have any experiences or advice on this topic, I’d love to hear from you. Please comment below!